From June to July

 July. In a blink of an eye. 

June was a blur. I had (still have actually) been battling with persistent low moods that didn't seem to be wanting to go away. It's quite frustrating and draining to be honest. I had been crying almost on daily basis and for some time the whole thing had manifested into physical things. You know, illness here and there. Headache. You name it. But my head is a little clearer now Alhamdulillah. Might go into a mini retreat for a little while. Stay off social media. Just be all by myself again. 

In retrospect, I think the most frustrating part about this whole ordeal is that I thought I was getting better but turned out I wasn't really (if we were to base things on the recent breakdown). Maybe for a while I was down but because I wasn't expecting a breakdown like this it just got worst and prolonged. But I did think I was getting better. I cut down sugar and caffeine, I eat vegetables every day, I do yoga regularly, I walk at least once a week, I leave the house and see the world, I call my family and friends on every other day, I follow my loved ones on social media so that I still know what's going on with them and their lives. I get hugs every single day, I have plenty of time to be in solitude with myself, I'm in no external work stress or anxiety. Professionals will always recommend some lifestyle changes (in addition to prescribed medication and/or therapies if any) for mental illness strugglers and now that I have time and space I do just that. A lot of that actually. I think I have never been this healthy to be honest, holistically. And I just had a breakdown. 

A setback. It doesn't matter that you manage to take one thousand steps forward. When you have a breakdown, it feels like you're back to square one. Step zero. All over again. 

But that was June. It's July now. 

Step one is draw the curtain. It's important. I lived in the dark for a while in June (yes on summer days). Step two would be to not, as much as possible, stay in pain again. Eat every 2 hours if you get hungry every 2 hours. Take paracetamol for the headache. Drink more water before you even feel dry. Step three would be to start enjoy doing things again. Maybe one thing a day. Doesn't have to be a lot. Watch a youtube video for a thousand times if that makes you happy. 

I think I have reached somewhat a point of acceptance of the fact that I will probably have to live with my breakdowns for the rest of my life. They will come time and again. When I turn 40. When I have a job that I love. When I have two kids. When they graduate college. When I retire. When I'm old. Like grief, they will just linger for the rest of my life I guess. But I am learning to disintegrate and dissociate them from my own identity and just let them be something that I have and not something that I am you know. Like, I am not an anxious person. I am just a person with anxiety that comes out once in a while. I am not a depressed person. I am just a person with depressive episodes that, except for a few bad days, are mostly manageable. I am not a sick person, I am just a person with sickness. 

It's funny. I used to love adjectives because I feel like it's easier to deal with things if you can label them. I guess it's not as straightforward now. 

And wow, this turns out to be a lot therapeutic than I imagine it would be. I still have headache though, but it doesn't feel as heavy now.