an extra hour or two

I've been waking up earlier than usual this whole week. I think it's the overthinking and anxiety, but in a way it's good. As in, I find myself getting an extra one hour or two out of the day for myself, say to enjoy my coffee or write something or play with my cats. Usually I'd be too tired to do anything after work so this is good. We might have taken up a new kitten last weekend. We found the little guy around the house. Ayah was not happy at the beginning but the little guy stuck around and eventually he came around and let the little guy stay. Plus, we haven't had any kitten for so long now. Lily and Luna are big girls now (though they're still babies in our eyes). Mochi is very independent. He finds everything amusing and new and he plays with everything that he lays his eyes on. Like everything. It's like the whole world is a playground to him. It's really fun to watch. The girls weren't very welcoming at the beginning but like Ayah, they came around and let him hang around eventually. I keep saying all these while that I'm not ready for another commitment (Lol) but here I am. Well, I keep saying that I'm not ready for a lot of things anyway. 

I feel bad sometimes for not being able to be really present for everybody or everything. For not being able to help out so much at home, or even have extra energy to hang around people. I'm getting old oh my godddd. Like, I can feel my energy level gradually depleting as the days go by, like everyday the threshold just becomes lower and lower. Just yesterday my sister was telling me of her/our family concern and she asked me, aren't you worried about this? and I said, I would if I think about it. Right now, I don't have any space to be honest. Maybe I'll think about it over the weekend once I clear out some things out of my head. 

I can see now why my family doesn't like me sometimes hahaha. 

I'm a people-pleaser by default (which is something that needs to be addressed and worked on actually). I'd do things to make people happy because that would indirectly make me happy I guess. I feel like I'm functioning if I could do something good for myself or for other people. And making people happy will make me feel like that. I like it when I'm functioning. But it is also an unhealthy trait to have. There's no way you can make everyone happy. And worst, usually once you make them happy they will always expect you to make them happy and make a fuss when you don't. You can never win in this. People don't care about what you are going through or what you have in your plates - they only care that you fail to live up to their expectations/requests. The only way to survive is to be loud about your plates or life or boundaries so that people are aware and hopefully could understand. I mean how disappointing is that? We should just be kind and compassionate and considerate to each other regardless. We shouldn't need to be loud about something that should be so clear.  

Well, this is not an ideal world. And we should just work on what we have right?