on a reflective note -

 Some things matter more. I think that alone is enough to explain why we are hurting or tired. Some things, we just care more. We let ourselves to feel the whole of them, the good and the bad. Everything. It's not bad. It just makes us more human I guess. Which is not fun isn't it. To be so flawed and incapable and out of control. On the bright side,it will help remind us back of the One who is totally the opposite of those things. So all is good I guess at the end? 

As with everyone else, lots of things happened to me too this year. So much growing up I had/have to do (though whether or not I succeed in doing that is another story). It's the year in which I consciously decided to let myself feel everything, like the whole of them. I felt like I would probably never had the guts to do that so might as well do it now while I still have some of them in me. There are things that end well, which made me glad that I took the leap. And there are things that just didn't work out, which made me realized that sometimes you took the leap, you fell down and you got hurt. But that's because you care so much you know. Because you once had things that mean so much to you but you didn't get to have them or keep them for a long time. For as much as you were hurting, you were happy and feeling alive too. Because you once had something you care, something that means so much and you went for it. 

I am still struggling with this kind of complex things. But whatever I decided to go through this year, I don't have regrets about them. I know that things will still be difficult and exhausting. May I grow a lot more strength and capacity to adapt to them. I listened to a podcast the other day where they were discussing about anxiety and comparing our inner self capacity to a glass. It's very interesting. The glass will always be poured with water (water is stress in this context since the topic was about anxiety). How much water will be poured is, most of the time, slighly out of our control but there are things that we can do to ensure it won't overfill and spill out. Maybe we can transfer some of them to other glasses (meaning: get some help from the outside if possible. I've been trying to teach and remind myself that it's not a bad thing to get help). Maybe we can be selective over how much be poured to our glass (this requires strength and firm boundary so good luck to me). And lastly, the most straightforward yet the most difficult one - get a bigger-sized glass. There'll be plenty more room for water. And happiness. And things and people we get to love and care about. 

Of course we're not obligated to get a bigger-sized glass. But it'll be better right?