Lumière & Letters

My colleague set up a meeting at 5.30pm today. He said, it's just going to be a quick one. Well, it lasted over an hour. I'm going to add this into the list of things that you need to be careful of. Last thing I added was the decision to pop into my boss' office at 5.25pm just for you know, a little sharing about the latest update before I wrap up the day. It was never going to be 5 minutes and I should have seen it coming hahaha.  Well, what I really wanted to say was by the time I closed my laptop I said to myself, I've had enough screen for the day so no more screen time of any sort until tomorrow and my eyes need some rest maybe I should go out and sit by Pantai Lido for a while although it's impossible to see anything at night. But half an hour later I was facetiming my best friend and here I am typing this on my Macbook so so much for no more screen time huh?   I should feel disappointed about my self-restraint and scared about how fast I change my mind.  But ...

I decided this morning to ditch my Spotify playlist and play from my iTunes library itself. It's very nostalgic you see, because my song library is like from, at least, 6 years ago (this was wayyy before Spotify came in) and it instantly takes me back. For example, right now, I'm listening to one spoken poetry that I downloaded from Soundcloud 6 years ago called "Kisah Langit dan Bumi" by Suaracerita. It used to be my favourite poetry of all time. At the time it came out, I just met my own version of "Langit" so it just stuck in my head and my heart for a long time.  I met Langit when I was 20. Very young. It wasn't love at first sight or anything like that (I'm not even sure if it was love actually hmm) But he was funny. And smart. So he made me laugh and at awe at the same time. He wasn't perfect at all so I never had any sort of fairytale story and hope played out in my young mind. I was just trying to enjoy the moment and trying to make sense...

  Some things matter more. I think that alone is enough to explain why we are hurting or tired. Some things, we just care more. We let ourselves to feel the whole of them, the good and the bad. Everything. It's not bad. It just makes us more human I guess. Which is not fun isn't it. To be so flawed and incapable and out of control. On the bright side,it will help remind us back of the One who is totally the opposite of those things. So all is good I guess at the end?  As with everyone else, lots of things happened to me too this year. So much growing up I had/have to do (though whether or not I succeed in doing that is another story). It's the year in which I consciously decided to let myself feel everything, like the whole of them. I felt like I would probably never had the guts to do that so might as well do it now while I still have some of them in me. There are things that end well, which made me glad that I took the leap. And there are things that just didn't work ...

I just closed my work laptop. I teared up a little bit while I was doing that - even though at the time I was actually singing along to Betty. I have started working again this week, and actually went back to office also today. I'm so freaking tired as I'm typing this, but yet again, who isn't right? It's funny when I think about how people would suggest you to take a mini break from work to recharge and only for you to come back from that mini break, tired like you always were before. Sometimes even more tired because of all the catching up you need to do while you were gone. Mini break is more of escapism than a cure - though it does clear up your mind for a little bit. And it keeps your health at good level also which is like, the main point of the break. I'm cutting down caffeine now in the morning since escapism is not possible for now. It doesn't help much on clearing the mind but at least I'm less agitated. But I'm not eating well now, which my my...

i was literally shaking in anxiety. struggling with my breathing. my mother was sitting in front of me and i said to her, can you come here and hug me? and she just broke down and cried hahaha. she had never ever see me like this so i think she was a little scared of what she was seeing. my dad was sitting beside her, and he looked at me and said, come let's go out and do grocery shopping. it'll take your mind off things. so i followed him and we did grocery shopping the whole evening. he bought me snacks and picked out a new coffee flavour for us to try on.  and that's how i survived today. this week has not been particularly easy for me. my anxiety got really bad again this week. Bad like crippling kind of bad that I become functionally limited. Then there was spinning head and muscle aches and stuff. the doctor gave me a couple of days leave for my headache but then it never really went away after that so i spent another couple of days lying down and trying to sleep as m...